THE ADVENTURES OF MITT WALKER
CHARACTERS
MITT ROMNEY
SCOTT WALKER
GOD
SETTING
The pearly gates
[Scott Walker and Mitt Romney are waiting on St. Peter. Both were run down by Obama's campaign bus.]
SCOTT: I hope they don't let the peasants in.
MITT: Of course, they won't. I'm sure they have slums set aside.
SCOTT: That's a relief. Our happiness will trickle out.
MITT: Naturally. Workers living by their masters would be chaos.
SCOTT: It hasn't been that way since the beginning of time. Why fight nature?
MITT: I like your thinking.
SCOTT: And I like it more. Now, where's my butler with hor d'oeuvres?
MITT: Where's mine with champagne?
GOD: [voice over.] They're already inside.
MITT: Who's that?
GOD: It is I, Yahweh.
SCOTT: Sounds Middle Eastern. Do you think I could replace you with a whiter servant?
GOD: Heaven has no race.
MITT: [Jokingly.] Well as long as there's money. [Silence.] You're kidding?
GOD: I never have been.
SCOTT: There's got to be a special place for people like us?
GOD: There is but you may not like it.
MITT: Is the pool heated?
GOD: In a manner of speaking...
MITT: How much will it take to make this happen? [He holds out a hundred dollar bill.]
[A red light shines on stage.]
SCOTT: Hey...
MITT: This is...
MITT & SCOTT: Awesome!
SCOTT: No environmental regulations!
MITT: I can run Bain Capital by that huge mound of skulls!
SCOTT: I love us!
END OF PLAY
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